I've seen some Edelsteine (jewels)...

I've seen some jewels in life:

Fog rolling down a lonely mountain range

Raindrops like tears watering forgotten New Hampshire towns

Waking up in a western-style motel

After riding lightning lit Wyoming canyon roads late into the night

I've seen precious stones extricated from their plain surroundings

Their rainbow brilliance and sheen being revealed for the first time to man's eyes

I've seen them become skillfully set and attributed ethereal beauty

Reflective of another time or realm

And I am asked the question:

What does your faith mean to you?

My answer to the question is this:

I would trade every last jewel and beauty in this world,

For the beauty, loneliness, regality with humility, and fire who is Jesus

I wrote this poem after visiting a few dating websites and seeing the question "What does your faith mean to you?". I have thought and prayed a lot about marriage and in that process have thought about what the most important things in my life are. I find that question interesting because even though it may not be meant this way, it often comes across as something akin to asking how important my detox routine or going to the dentist is. I am sadly lazy in both of those categories (I have great teeth though;)). When I think of following Jesus I think "how can I get closer to him?" not about how closely I have followed traditions or have gone to church. I get that people often point that out to show that it is about relationship and not religion. I think I just want to make it clear that I'm obsessed with Jesus. I get that it's useful to ask that question because those who go to church often are more likely to have healthiness in their spiritual life. I know many though, who go to church all the time and are not ruined by Jesus. They are nice people and very involved with church activities but like the rich young ruler haven't given everything to follow Jesus. Sadly, from churches to christian dating sites there are so many who simply do not burn for Jesus. I'm certainly not trying to be judgmental but in terms of finding a partner or just people I can relate to sometimes I can feel so close and yet a million miles apart. 

I also think it's so hard to distinguish between someone who is religiously zealous and someone who is obsessed with Jesus. It's hard because so often the one who is following Jesus will take on zealous religious practices as a result of a combination of their own past and their desire to know Jesus. I am guilty of having done this and at times of still doing this. How many times did I say something "spiritual" under the burden of making sure I didn't leave anything out? I think though, that over time with the continued work of the Holy Spirit the people around a Jesus-obsessed person will start to see a humility and others-serving attitude that characterizes those who have been with him. People who fight for social justice and yet are ready to fight from the perspective of the current zeitgeist though, fall under "religiously zealous". It's difficult not to get pulled into that because as a follower of Jesus I'm supposed to care about the downtrodden. When the message fails to bring people to the cross and our absolute need for him however, then it is just another form of the zealousness or self-justification that characterized the rich young ruler or the religious leaders at the time of Jesus.

I think this is why it's not always those with the "right" answers who are the real-deal. I hope to find a godly wife at some point and someone who demonstrates this work of the Holy Spirit. I really think I have to rely on God to do this because I can't always tell the difference between the real and the fake. 

   

Ever said or felt "I've waited so long and nothing seems to be happening...."?

I woke up yesterday thinking about how it seems I've been waiting for God's promises so long and they don't seem to be working out. I've had struggles with work stuff and other things that seem to go on. This morning I noticed an anger towards the preaching. The scripture was fine but after thinking about it I realized a bitterness growing in my heart because of delays. I skipped communion as I needed to get my heart right and after getting prayer I had a friend suggest spiritual warfare as the main cause of delays. I prayed with another friend and went home and prayed. I turned on the live stream of the International House of Prayer and this is what they soon began to sing (partial transcript):

Do not worry, or fret because of evil doers

Look at Jesus how he lived in hiddeness

Years and years of obedience in hiddeness

So many years of pursuing your heart

Why do you lead like this

Do not worry or envious of the wicked even though they seem prosperous

Everything is not as it seems

Where you sow you know you will reap

Give it time

You got to give it give it time

No, I’m not in a hurry

I’m looking for obedience not impact

I’m looking for obedience not results

Are You learning to love?

Be patient young man

Be patient young women

Says the Lord

Stay steady, persevere

Patience having it’s perfect work in you

Sometimes waiting produces something nothing else can do

Be patient

Look unto Jesus

Because he waited

I will wait

Consider him who endured such hostility from men

Setting my eyes on Jesus

Help me, help me God

My son do not lean on your own understanding

Trust me, do good

You just keep walking the narrow way and leave the results to me

Just you wait and see

Trust in the Lord and do good

Trust in the Lord, do not quit, do not give in

He’ll take care of the rest

He can see the end from the beginning

He is faithful to complete what he sarted

The kingdom of God is like a seed that has to go down and be invisible for awhile

There is so much going on that you can’t see

Behind the scenes

I know how to lead my sheep

I will lead you well

Trust in me and do well

I am doing things that you would not even believe

You’ve got to trust me

Blessed are those who do not see and yet believe

So much growth going on behind the scenes

There’s a blessing when you don’t give up

There’s a blessing when you don’t give in

Over time you will receive

Reaping fruit for eternity

Do not stop doing good

The fruit will come for us

If you ever hate life or get discouraged in your walk with God don't give up! Keep your heart free from bitterness and trust God. I get it, it's tough. Jesus understands it too. Don't listen to voices that say there's some quick way. This has always been how it's been. Don't give up. There will be fruit. Psalm 73

Update

I thought I’d write this partially as an update and partially to think through things. I’ve been living in Germany for two years now (or will be in November). I’ve been honored to help with the refugees and to be apart of what God is doing in the lives of Germans. I have taught English since last year at a language school and also had the opportunity to teach beginner level German to the refugees. I have built friendships and partnerships here that I highly value. I have had some real struggles and real victories while being here. I stayed with some friends for a year sleeping on a pull-out couch and then got my own place last spring. I had to get legal help at one point to stand against someone who was trying to take advantage of me. It’s easy to forget the blessings I have but between the friends and experiences I have and have had I can say I am truly a rich man. I have a motorcycle and a German license. Getting them was no easy feat to accomplish. The more I live the more I think poetry, songs, and honest prayers do a better job of encapsulating life than one size fit all explanations for difficulties, joys, and the unexplainable things of life. Most of the prophets in the old testament don’t come across as mystics delivering a message from a cloud devoid of human experience. I get tired of prophetic messages that many give that have a tinge of control and a hint of a Wizard of Oz type detachment. I still have a burning desire to know Jesus as best as I possibly can during my time on earth. Life can be really really tough sometimes though.

I had my first real formally serious relationship this last summer. I have prayed for this area of my life for a long time. We walked in purity and sought wisdom and council during the process. In the end something was holding me back and some things that she was looking for that are just not who I am brought the relationship to an end. It ended on a respectful note and felt good though disappointing in some ways. I have a peace about it. Next steps in my life in this and other areas can be a little unclear.

I have long desired to finish my degree and there is not a material science program here in Freiburg and I didn’t pass the German test I needed to pass to get into the University here. I love Freiburg, the German language, and adventure. My work has been a needed source of income and good experience too but it’s not a long term solution. There are always different girls that I find interesting and situations I could explore. I was just observing with friends the other day how much I learn about myself and about hearing God’s voice by exploring these situations. I nicknamed one of these girls “the deer” because getting a moment to even talk to her is like trying to get close to a deer in the woods. HA! It’s easy to interpret this difficulty as God saying no but I have since begun to think it may be entirely circumstantial regardless if it is actually a potential or not. I have questioned myself though in this area. I haven’t finished my degree yet and don’t know for sure which way is right in accomplishing that. I love it here but don’t know that I can finish my studies here. I know that most women are looking for stability and while I think that personality-wise I have matured a lot over the years, my studies are a practical issue that stands in the way.

I would like to say once more how rich I am in regards to the friends and family I have. Toby Muck, the Lardy’s, Angel Pham, Misgana, Susie Sachek, Daniel Vosselor, Jessie Ortiz, etc. etc. The people I know and experiences I have had are for some people only wishes. Life can be tough but if you have a relationship with God those things become like the tones on a skillfully played violin. They vibrate at a frequency that shows His love. Thanks for all the prayer and encouragement you’ve given me over the years. My plan is to keep praying for direction and pray that I stay honest in regards to the good and hard things that come. 

What I wish you would experience too

What I wish you would experience too

Sometimes I feel so inadequate
To tell you what I've found
I've had it for so long
And I know how old things sound

The strength of my understanding
Ebbs and flows like the tide
And when you walk my beach
Sometimes important details seem to hide

You may think I have a path for self improvement
And I understand the sentiment
But were that true
I'd be in a impossibly hopeless predicament

White, pure light floods me
As I lift my eyes I see the degrading materials of my life shear off and leave holes
All of my plans to describe the perfection I've seen falter
Because I know to be good enough to carry the light
I would be ripped apart and destroyed

I feel so weak
And then I feel a hand
A trickle of joy and love
He's chosen me
He likes me
Somehow he'll use me

I don't think it's anything I've done
I screwed up before I got started
But I get to walk in joy and hope my whole life
I get a full course meal when I was broke

This.is.it.
I know it doesn't fit what everyone thinks is love
He says our actions are wrong despite our society affirming us
He knows where we're at and uses us anyways
Guaranteed acceptance
He embarrasses what society thinks is love because he is love
He wants to walk with you
He is gentle and enjoys real life.
He is also noble and our defender

I want you to experience Jesus

In the process

Sexual immorality is the currency that we fluently speak
We long to sate our emotions that hunger for the real
Like kids trading trinkets so we trade our souls
A hopeful outlook dashed by the comfort of the false

The only way out is through the blood and the cross
One bought my freedom
It was complete
The other is my death
Death to trading trinkets
My picture is on his dash board
Of his old blue van
I am his pride and joy
His work is not complete
In every day to day moment
I'm always in his thoughts


Just a sequence of thoughts. People arguing that some form of sexual immorality is OK for Christians so long as it meets certain requirements. Thinking about my own struggles and how part of the process of confronting the issues is to deal with other challenges I'm faced with without running or making excuses. I was also just impressed with the thought that my picture is on his dashboard. Why a blue van as that specific picture I have no idea. Perhaps it is warm and doesn't seem to hold expectations over me before he delights in me.

The Ark of The Covenant

6/16/15

The box of mystery
Shielded from their eyes and hearts
The ultimate picture of God's atonement and grace
Hidden by ignorance was the excitement in His face
How could He tell them His wonderful truths
When the box with the angels, manna, law, and rod
Could kill, save, and teach but couldn't reach their hearts?

He took the plunge and tore the curtain
You are now the box sprinkled with the Lamb's blood
Overshadowed by the majestic Cheribum wings
All He is, the life, law, and mystery in you
Don't look for the old box and what it represents
You are the box, You are the plan
Whoever goes against or touches you touches the apple of His eye
Give Him time. He will make this truth real to you.

I saw a picture of the Ark of The Covenant at the house of my friends. The topic of the Ark was on my mind and this poem came out. I then randomly opened my bible to 1 Chronicles 15 and it is the story of the Ark being brought to the Tabernacle by David. The reminder is that while we couldn't understand or connect with God's plan before, after the cross God has made us the temple and the Ark is symbolic of what we now are. We are born up for the world to see. We contain His life, sustenance, and law. We are His precious plan.

Time cord

Time Cord

11/25/13

 

An inch marked time cord

Walked out I'm drawn toward

Starts out times cold

Turns out I'm old

 

What comes close as I come closer?

Am I being drawn on by an invisible tower?

Is this cord already made?

Or am I sitting on times creative blade?

Time can be so cold and it burns my hands

Made up of experience fibers

Ripped from their root's lands.

Formed in some golden existence

By the Makers assistants.

 

What if time as this cord is temporary

Sent in hope of piercing of our story.

Legislated to each with an expiration date

Where in we have a choice or it becomes to late.

All dead time fibers in the end must be burned

And with them all those through whom the message of life was spurned.

 

One day I hope to no longer pull this cord

When this phantom of life becomes the reality of the Lord.

Even now I've begun to see

That time was only given to me

To turn my eyes toward a dead tree

And under a rock new life would free

 

I've begun to no longer pull on a secondary source

Its' slowly becoming more raw,

The living three dish course.