Brokenness

Brokenness
8/25/13

I felt like I needed to make this confession of an area of brokenness in my life. I've noticed that an area of my life where I struggle is in my feelings towards most women in general. Maybe due to manipulation in my family I have had a annoyance towards women in their efforts at subliminal communication (think non-direct body language or intonations) since it feels underhanded. I hate it when men talk about being ball and chained to their wives and are told by the culture that they should just agree with their wives on everything to have a happy life. I dislike watching t.v. shows where the wives dictate their husbands moves through their emotions. I can read body language and often pick up some of the signals given by women on how they want your attention or some action but I often blatantly ignore it because I feel like they are to afraid to just gently but directly ask me for that. It feels underhanded not necessarily in a malevolent way but it is just unhealthy and unclear. You might screw up because you didn't meet some need of theirs because you didn't listen close enough to their subliminal messages. In many ways it mirrors my desire to please God and I have from time to time taken that same mindset and applied it there. What if I'm not listening to God close enough and I screw up? What if He says something testing to see if I'll go through emotional contortions to try to make sure I heard Him right and I just can't do it? Maybe the brokenness of the women around me has caused me to see God in an unhealthy way.

The truth though is that I desire with all my heart to be the man of God that I am being formed to be. I don't want a false macho attitude where flowers and the arts and so many other things I enjoy are viewed with scorn as feminine and "soft". On the other hand I will not back down from a fight and it is part of my being to go to war (whether I enjoy it or not - its just in me). In every way I want to reflect the fullness of heaven and of my Jesus. I just don't fit molds. So many people are either afraid of being viewed as gay or they misunderstand certain characteristics that they possess and end up deciding that they must be gay. I want nothing to do with either view. I'm just going to follow Jesus and be made like Him. In being like Him I want this brokenness in my feelings towards women to be healed. I don't want to be a push over only moved by the desires of women nor do I want to have this annoyance. I want to be able to serve the women in my life with grace and strength. I don't think that this area is totally healed in me but I think that sharing this is part of that healing process. I also hope that any men out there struggling with this will be able to find healing in Christ.