Time cord

Time Cord

11/25/13

 

An inch marked time cord

Walked out I'm drawn toward

Starts out times cold

Turns out I'm old

 

What comes close as I come closer?

Am I being drawn on by an invisible tower?

Is this cord already made?

Or am I sitting on times creative blade?

Time can be so cold and it burns my hands

Made up of experience fibers

Ripped from their root's lands.

Formed in some golden existence

By the Makers assistants.

 

What if time as this cord is temporary

Sent in hope of piercing of our story.

Legislated to each with an expiration date

Where in we have a choice or it becomes to late.

All dead time fibers in the end must be burned

And with them all those through whom the message of life was spurned.

 

One day I hope to no longer pull this cord

When this phantom of life becomes the reality of the Lord.

Even now I've begun to see

That time was only given to me

To turn my eyes toward a dead tree

And under a rock new life would free

 

I've begun to no longer pull on a secondary source

Its' slowly becoming more raw,

The living three dish course.

 

 



Brokenness

Brokenness
8/25/13

I felt like I needed to make this confession of an area of brokenness in my life. I've noticed that an area of my life where I struggle is in my feelings towards most women in general. Maybe due to manipulation in my family I have had a annoyance towards women in their efforts at subliminal communication (think non-direct body language or intonations) since it feels underhanded. I hate it when men talk about being ball and chained to their wives and are told by the culture that they should just agree with their wives on everything to have a happy life. I dislike watching t.v. shows where the wives dictate their husbands moves through their emotions. I can read body language and often pick up some of the signals given by women on how they want your attention or some action but I often blatantly ignore it because I feel like they are to afraid to just gently but directly ask me for that. It feels underhanded not necessarily in a malevolent way but it is just unhealthy and unclear. You might screw up because you didn't meet some need of theirs because you didn't listen close enough to their subliminal messages. In many ways it mirrors my desire to please God and I have from time to time taken that same mindset and applied it there. What if I'm not listening to God close enough and I screw up? What if He says something testing to see if I'll go through emotional contortions to try to make sure I heard Him right and I just can't do it? Maybe the brokenness of the women around me has caused me to see God in an unhealthy way.

The truth though is that I desire with all my heart to be the man of God that I am being formed to be. I don't want a false macho attitude where flowers and the arts and so many other things I enjoy are viewed with scorn as feminine and "soft". On the other hand I will not back down from a fight and it is part of my being to go to war (whether I enjoy it or not - its just in me). In every way I want to reflect the fullness of heaven and of my Jesus. I just don't fit molds. So many people are either afraid of being viewed as gay or they misunderstand certain characteristics that they possess and end up deciding that they must be gay. I want nothing to do with either view. I'm just going to follow Jesus and be made like Him. In being like Him I want this brokenness in my feelings towards women to be healed. I don't want to be a push over only moved by the desires of women nor do I want to have this annoyance. I want to be able to serve the women in my life with grace and strength. I don't think that this area is totally healed in me but I think that sharing this is part of that healing process. I also hope that any men out there struggling with this will be able to find healing in Christ.

The Fragrance of Now

The Fragrance of Now

8/4/13

Here is the oil of right now

The fragrance of tomorrow no better

This is how:

He does not mature me to make a sweeter tea

He does not mold me to make a sharper cheese

To an infinite God

From a finite man

A mark on the measuring rod

Is a portion of His beautiful plan

An alabaster jar finds its ultimate worth

Not in scars gained in keeping it but in its moment of birth

I cannot ever look back on the now and despise what I gave

Every moment a unique sacrifice from birth to grave.  

I wrote this poem to go along with a few conversations I've had and what God has been doing in my life for the past couple of years culminating to the now. I had a conversation with a friend where he was asking how he could emulate the joy that he saw in a child experiencing something new while blackberry picking a few days before. It came to my mind that my friend's joy of seeing the child's joy is just as valid though it came in a different form. I think that we can easily fall into erroneously thinking that we have less to give than if we we're innocent like a child or more mature and full like we will be one day. The only true sacrifice we can give is to give God everything you have at that moment. 

For me I know that due to tough circumstances and emotional hardships over the last couple of years I have held back from giving everything to the ministry God has put before me. I have not done nothing but I have not given my fullest simply because there is emotional pain to give when you feel you have nothing left to give. Don't get me wrong, God feels our pain with us and comforts us and weeps with us but there is still a point where we have to put everything in His hands and just trust Him. For me I know that God has promised me a mate and while experiencing pain it is easy to hold back and wait for that promise in order to go full ahead. I want to give Him my all though and I have only this moment, this alabaster jar, to give to Him. How can I expect to give Him it all in the future if I hold back now?

Matthew 26:6-12
  6Now when Jesus was in Bethany, at the home of Simon the leper,7a woman came to Him with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume, and she poured it on His head as He reclined at the table.8But the disciples were indignant when they saw this,and said, “Why this waste?9“For this perfume might have been sold for a high price and the money given to the poor.”10But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, “Why do you bother the woman? For she has done a good deed to Me.11“For you always have the poor with you; but you do not always have Me.12“For when she poured this perfume on My body, she did it to prepare Me for burial.13“Truly I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken of in memory of her.”

In memory of: under the memory tree

 3/12/13

Why you got to play the bugle in my ear?
Playing charge when no charge is near?
And why so incessantly
When I could enjoy it as a distant memory?
Look, the General of my soul said no
So why do you keep asking like its time to go?
He didn't say not happening
In fact He promised it within timing and positioning.
So break off, get lost, go play your bugle underwater
Your of no use to me now and I have not almost caught her.
Please God I'm submitted to your time
Why do I have to listen to my soul whine?
I just want to enjoy being single
Screw those adds from Christians Mingle.

5, 10, however many years
Just vanquish all my fears.
Let me hear your whispering to me
I want to go all out for you
Like a buck climbing the mountain with strength
I want to pursue You over every crag.
You made me with a desire for marriage
And certainly not by my choice!
Its not even that big of a deal (I know it is)
as compared to pursuing you.

I'm so needy
Please help me to give freely
I'll walk with this pain too
Waiting for your perfection like the green tree against the sky blue.

Suffering is not a subject we hear enough about (or in the right context) in the church. There is a type of suffering that is evil such as children starving, a diseased death, or any other of the many kinds you can think of. This is not the type of of suffering God gives to us but is the result of the fall of humanity and our sin nature. There is another type of suffering though that God intends to share with us as Christians. This type of suffering is for purifying us and also for intamacy with Christ. Sometimes we imagine God just orders up a round of hard times with a side of difficlut situations and then steps back and says "Ok trust in me and since I once went to the cross you can get through it too." This is not the correct picture. More correctly He walks with us and feels what we feel. Therefore if we understand that we as the church are waiting for our bridegroom then don't we care what He thinks about and what He feels? In these times of perversion of marriage whether through divorce, homosexuality, or apathy we can forget that ultimatlely that is the picture God gave humanity to point us to Christ and the bride. Our society largly thinks that the reason for it is solely for the happiness of those involved and leaves out God's intended purpose.

The day I wrote this poem I had woken up from a dream with people from my past who did not know Christ and I started praying for them. I prayed that God would do whatever was necessary in my life so that I would not fail to reach out to my coworkers and others. Around this time I also had been praying for God to make His thoughts mine and His feelings mine. So when I started getting ready for work I became frustrated with the intense desire and thoughts that have been plaguing me for quite some time towards a desire for God to bring my wife and to be married. The thing is I don't enjoy this deep longing and its quite distracting. Its a desire deep inside, almost like a wound that won't be healed. It would be quite alright if I knew it was time for God to bring that someone into my life. I know God has told me that it isn't the season though. Through writing the poem and the young adults meeting for my church that night it was just pressed on my heart that this is part of my sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Think about it, He suffered and died on a cross 2,000 years ago and has been longing and waiting for the day His father will present Him with His bride. It'd be so much easier if I could just go "oh well, God will bring her at the right time. I'll just enjoy my time being single and not even think about it". It's also a temptation to say that I am not walking in God's rest or peace and that I am out of line having all these thoughts. I'm sure though that Christ has not been sitting around with either of those thoughts.

Rest and peace in God is going through intense and real suffering, sometimes alone, and leaning on God who walks with you and feels what you feel. If you want to really go deep with God you will have to start sharing in His sufferings (Yes, God does not spare Himself pain). When you go through rough seasons and you know that God not only helps you but suffers with you you love Him all the more. Our response should be to then share in His sufferings. What else would a bride desire? Just to get all His benefits? Our we merely gold diggers looking for the sugar daddy?

The more I walk with Christ the more I realize that there will never be a point outside of God's end plan where I will not suffer. Even the souls under the alter in heaven cry out for God asking how long until their blood is avenged!(Rev 6:9-11). This suffering isn't alone though and I desire it more than anything, not for some morbid reason but because I want to feel what He feels. Isn't that the bride's desire?

"But REJOICE inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 pet 4:13)

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" (Phil 1:29)

"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." (Acts 5:41)

Whats it matter

Whats it Matter
Dec 2011

Beautiful and attractive but open her mouth shows she's a standee
Blow on her lightly proves there's no standing.
Thoughtful reasoning says her existence has shallow meaning
To rather make an impact on history to fulfill your destiny
Councils a "Brighter Future" and a "Better Tomorrow".
What hasn't been conquered that needs conquering though
That won't or hasn't or will need conquering?
We beat injustice to see it rise again
We raise a standard for a generation to recall and raise 10,000 years from then

Have I accomplished much with a supermodel, Jesus obsessed, purpose driven wife
children well learned, knowing 4 languages, the classics, how to feed the poor,
clothe the naked and knowing Jesus?

It's been done before.

If I shine like a star forever and ever
or am condemned to burn like one forever and ever
is there any report beyond me?

It brings me joy to pet a cat when it begs as it sits in my lap.
The cat seems to enjoy it too.
If a cat has no soul and returns to the earth,
What does it matter whatever to it that I do?
Cruelty or ignoring its plight feels wrong
Care and compassion seem right.
So to me the joy does not belong
Apart from the joy of the most High.

I wrote this poem thinking about what really matters in life. We have so much telling us to do something useful with our lives but what really matters?If we fight human trafficking it may fall but history tells us that slavery will rise again. We may lead many to Christ and shine like stars forever and ever(Dan 12:3) or should you choose to reject Him you will burn forever and ever. Why does it matter either way though? Sure you will either like or dislike it but does it make any difference beyond you? As I was writing this poem I had a cat sitting in my lap and I thought "what does it matter whether I squish this cat or I pet it? (just theoretical of course) If it has no soul whats it matter?" The simple answer to all of these questions is that nothing not even leading people to Christ or helping the poor or whatever has any meaning whatsoever apart from what brings God pleasure. Me petting the cat brings me pleasure as it did the cat. Our mutual pleasure brings God pleasure and so in some small way it matters. This thought is quite freeing and certainly simplifies things. It brings God pleasure to release those in bondage as does our surrender to His saving and lordship in our lives. Don't do anything because it's "really important". Ask God what brings Him pleasure and do that.